By: Nova Farrell
Characters:
Unkillable
Assassin
(Unkillable enters)
Unkillable: HELLO EVERYBODY, MAKE SOME NOISE! (Beat) Okay shut up, I’ve got like 3 minutes. I trust I need no introduction but for the few uncultured among you, I am the one, the only, the UNKILLABLE! But what’s this? Here comes an adoring fan now!
(“Adoring fan” runs onstage with weapon and lethally wounds Unkillable)
Unkillable: (sounds of pain)
Assassin: I thought you were unkillable.
Unkillable: That doesn’t mean it doesn’t HURT.
(Unkillable dies somewhat dramatically)
Assassin: (To audience) So much for “unkillable” huh folks? (Making radio static noise) the deed is done. Unkillable is no more, there’s no way they’re coming back from a wound like tha-
(While Assassin is talking, Unkillable slowly rises from the dead.)
Unkillable: WHOO!
Assassin: (whips around) What? No, no no. You’re dead.
Unkillable: I get that a lot.
Assassin: I saw you die
Unkillable: What, did you think it was a parlor trick? You don’t get to be as stunning as I am without someone wanting to mess up your endearing smile every once in a while.
Assassin: You’re really getting on my nerves, you know that?
Unkillable: I get that a lot too. Wait, weren’t you using the other hand when we started?
(Fight occurs, end with same/similar wound as first one)
Unkillable: AGAIN? SERIOUSLY?
(Unkillable dies more dramatically.)
Assassin: (Mimicking radio sound again) The pest should be gone for good now.
Unkillable: Who… are you talking to? You don’t have a radio.
Assassin: Oh. Uh… (to self) usually they’re dead when I do that. (Back to Unkillable) Doesn’t matter. You should be dead… you really live up to your namesake, I guess.
Unkillable: Thank you! You know, I almost got taken out by bronchitis last year.
Assassin: So you can just get back up from fatal injury no problem, but you draw the line at a minor respiratory infection?
Unkillable: It’s technically a natural cause!
Assassin: You know, originally I just came here for the money, but I think it’s time I do us all a favor and shut you up for good.
Unkillable: Yeah, I get that a… oh, that’s a new one actually, someone write that down.
Assassin: You talk too much.
(Assassin tries for the same wound, unkillable blocks)
Unkillable: NO
(Assassin hits Unkillable in a different spot)
Unkillable: Oh come on…
(Unkillable drops unceremoniously. Assassin “confirms” their death and begins to walk away.)
Unkillable: Yeah I just don’t think you’re grasping the “unkillable” concept
Assassin: God fucking damn it.
(Assassin continues to walk away.)
Unkillable: Wait! Come back! (Turn to audience) They always leave :(.
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